shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
