i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
