Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
