I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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