are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
