I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
