I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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