ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
