i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
