Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
