wanna go halves on a baby?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
