nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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