I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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