I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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