I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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