saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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