I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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