plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I have fence marks all over my body
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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