We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
