I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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