Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
