I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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