i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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