My Higher Power is John Stamos
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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