Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I AM VODKA MAN
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
