You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
