someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I said "one day" and that day is not today
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
