Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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