Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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