I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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