I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
