She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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