he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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