Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
