I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish you could order shots online.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
