My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
