Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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