My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
