In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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