Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
