so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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