I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
