rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
