my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I had to cum in my sink.
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