So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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