I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
