I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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