Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
