omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
