The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
