I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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