some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
