her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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