In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
