how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
