I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
