Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
