what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
