apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
