it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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